Posts Tagged ‘advice’

How do we Let Go after a Breakup?

There is the classic change your hair and eat ice cream. If the relationship was serious how do we adjust to single patterns? Like in Sex and the City, we are excited to revert to our secret single behaviors at the start of the breakup but then the reality sets in. We are single, along at night and craving the habits we had with our ‘other’.

We all know distraction, rebounding flirting, and life focus can help with the day-to day feelings – but what about at night? The only realistic answer is ‘time’ but who these days has time? I’m disabled and have to use all my time and energy on important stuff so it doesn’t feel wasted. This stupid break-up has wasted so much energy – among other things.

Because we can’t go back into time before our ex got ‘mean’ to talk to them for late night comfort. We miss our ex and they are a daydream or nightmare. Ultimately they are the last thing we actually want. My ex left me for his pride. And that’s something he can never recover from. I gave him my heart and he gave me some pride. I say that because before we broke up he saw “Say Anything” in the theatre without me, something that’s so wrong on so many levels.

So how do we recover? We wait. We try and sleep. We flirt. We focus. We rely on friends. We rely on pets and family… and we trust ourselves. That said, it’s never okay until it’s okay. So here’s to making it though another night. Do you have suggestions?

Today I went to the post office to close my PO Box. It was the last thing holding me back from 100% letting go of my relationship. I no longer have a reason to drive to that area.

TEXT Tone Equals EX and Alone. How to Dodge MR WRONG

My EX was too good to be true. It took a few months before things started to sour. He had a relationship with his baby-mama that consisted of morning to night text fights.

At first I tried to be cool about it. I blamed her. They had to text because it was about their “kid”… right? WRONG, it’s one of those red flags that are endearing somehow at first (him fighting for his kid!) and then become the worst thing ever. My mistake was blaming her. If my EX were a good guy he wouldn’t be fighting using petty angry texts. Especially when a kid is involved. This takes energy away from the kid.

I took initiative and got him a lawyer and dove into the mess thinking I was helping. And maybe I was but at what cost? Once she texted less he started fights with me VIA text. He’d be bored at work and pick a fight over something stupid or small. Next thing you have texts like “that’s your job I do everything” and it goes quickly downhill to “you’re a dick” and “why do you act like a child?” in person we would talk about what happened and be fine. I started saying “you can only send love texts babe” but as he explained to me he’s a “busy” guy and that’s not practical. Apparently I knew that before I moved in with him. And this brings to light that our relationship revolves around what’s good for him and not for us.

I started noticing when I was triggered by a text and became aware enough to stop calling names and stop the negativity on my end. I asked him to do the same. The outcome was the end of our relationship. He couldn’t do it. He had been texting the meanest insults to his baby-mama for so many years he was uncomfortable “not” being in a texty fight everyday.

I became confused because I started looking forward to him fighting with his baby-mama. Realistically though he shouldn’t have given her that power over our relationship by responding to her. The icing on the cake was us texting about parenting ideas and issues. He let his son control everything in our lives (food, sleep, activities) I would try small parenting suggestions. He couldn’t deny I was right, but would quickly go back to his knee-jerk parenting fails. This is partly because of him overbooking his life and having a “deal with it” prideful attitude.

After awhile it was so obvious the kid was suffering and things were getting worse. The kid was on a dark angry path acting spoiled, lying, stealing, physically attacking his dad, and breaking his toys. As adults we needed to take the power back. It’s not about being mean or punishing, it’s the simple fact that kids need structure and boundaries to feel safe. His kid didn’t feel safe and got away with emotional murder. I was always the first to be emotionally killed playing the role of stepmom. That said I’d always had love for him. I could see a good person in him, the question being who wins? Does he get the structure he needs and become a good person or the depressing alternative.

I am epically sad because in many ways my EX was perfect for me. We had wonderful things in common and enjoyed the same lifestyle. He couldn’t come to terms with the fact that I see dogs as small kids. He didn’t see how much I did for him. More importantly how much I did for his son with love. I always said “when the going gets tough, the tough get takeout” and poured all my love, energy and money into the relationship. I saw them as family and pictured my future with them.

It became intervention time and my EX lost it. He had stubborn pride and on repeat in his head were the phrases “I’m the best dad” and “I know better than anyone” he also said this aloud to a therapist. He didn’t take into account that no human is a perfect parent. I said we had a parenting issue and requested more time together talking about parenting. He dumped me immediately. All our concert tickets, plans of getting married and our relationship dog were out the window. I had one opportunity to say I “didn’t mean it” and I almost did because I love him. But his parenting isolated us, he was controlling, and he didn’t see the good in me. I am a giver and I gave him everything I had to give. I tried harder than I’ve ever tried before because of love and his kid.

When I think about the beginning of THE END it was texting. He was horrible to me over texts. He said stuff that I would never be okay with my partner saying. And it was worse because it didn’t have a voice or tone. I would force him to call me sometimes and that helped a little. I hate talking on the phone but it’s much better than fighting over text. This is not the first relationship where I’ve had text fights but it’s the last.

I know it’s easier said than done but there is no place in a relationship for text fighting. If someone blames you or calls you names over text messages maybe don’t think twice like I did and string it out. This is a real sign of immaturity and a sign that when the going gets tough they won’t have your back. My way or the highway is not a functional relationship policy. I’m still grieving the demise of my relationship but it’s easier because he texted crazy mean things in the end. At this point the texts were impersonal and mostly untrue. If I had been wrong about the parenting issue and our relationship they would’ve been actual stabs at me. I see these aftermath texts as a sign of remorse and missing me. There’s a part of him I’ll always love but another part that’s unsustainable and scary. I wasted love on him. In retrospect I see red flags I should’ve taken more seriously. It’s hard though when the person has positive attributes that you don’t want to let go of.

The moral of the story: don’t text while driving your car. Don’t text about serious issues until you know you are with someone stable and sane. I believe it takes a year to know someone, so be smart and give the relationship a year before you pull out your smart phone.