Posts Tagged ‘getting lighter’

TEXT Tone Equals EX and Alone. How to Dodge MR WRONG

My EX was too good to be true. It took a few months before things started to sour. He had a relationship with his baby-mama that consisted of morning to night text fights.

At first I tried to be cool about it. I blamed her. They had to text because it was about their “kid”… right? WRONG, it’s one of those red flags that are endearing somehow at first (him fighting for his kid!) and then become the worst thing ever. My mistake was blaming her. If my EX were a good guy he wouldn’t be fighting using petty angry texts. Especially when a kid is involved. This takes energy away from the kid.

I took initiative and got him a lawyer and dove into the mess thinking I was helping. And maybe I was but at what cost? Once she texted less he started fights with me VIA text. He’d be bored at work and pick a fight over something stupid or small. Next thing you have texts like “that’s your job I do everything” and it goes quickly downhill to “you’re a dick” and “why do you act like a child?” in person we would talk about what happened and be fine. I started saying “you can only send love texts babe” but as he explained to me he’s a “busy” guy and that’s not practical. Apparently I knew that before I moved in with him. And this brings to light that our relationship revolves around what’s good for him and not for us.

I started noticing when I was triggered by a text and became aware enough to stop calling names and stop the negativity on my end. I asked him to do the same. The outcome was the end of our relationship. He couldn’t do it. He had been texting the meanest insults to his baby-mama for so many years he was uncomfortable “not” being in a texty fight everyday.

I became confused because I started looking forward to him fighting with his baby-mama. Realistically though he shouldn’t have given her that power over our relationship by responding to her. The icing on the cake was us texting about parenting ideas and issues. He let his son control everything in our lives (food, sleep, activities) I would try small parenting suggestions. He couldn’t deny I was right, but would quickly go back to his knee-jerk parenting fails. This is partly because of him overbooking his life and having a “deal with it” prideful attitude.

After awhile it was so obvious the kid was suffering and things were getting worse. The kid was on a dark angry path acting spoiled, lying, stealing, physically attacking his dad, and breaking his toys. As adults we needed to take the power back. It’s not about being mean or punishing, it’s the simple fact that kids need structure and boundaries to feel safe. His kid didn’t feel safe and got away with emotional murder. I was always the first to be emotionally killed playing the role of stepmom. That said I’d always had love for him. I could see a good person in him, the question being who wins? Does he get the structure he needs and become a good person or the depressing alternative.

I am epically sad because in many ways my EX was perfect for me. We had wonderful things in common and enjoyed the same lifestyle. He couldn’t come to terms with the fact that I see dogs as small kids. He didn’t see how much I did for him. More importantly how much I did for his son with love. I always said “when the going gets tough, the tough get takeout” and poured all my love, energy and money into the relationship. I saw them as family and pictured my future with them.

It became intervention time and my EX lost it. He had stubborn pride and on repeat in his head were the phrases “I’m the best dad” and “I know better than anyone” he also said this aloud to a therapist. He didn’t take into account that no human is a perfect parent. I said we had a parenting issue and requested more time together talking about parenting. He dumped me immediately. All our concert tickets, plans of getting married and our relationship dog were out the window. I had one opportunity to say I “didn’t mean it” and I almost did because I love him. But his parenting isolated us, he was controlling, and he didn’t see the good in me. I am a giver and I gave him everything I had to give. I tried harder than I’ve ever tried before because of love and his kid.

When I think about the beginning of THE END it was texting. He was horrible to me over texts. He said stuff that I would never be okay with my partner saying. And it was worse because it didn’t have a voice or tone. I would force him to call me sometimes and that helped a little. I hate talking on the phone but it’s much better than fighting over text. This is not the first relationship where I’ve had text fights but it’s the last.

I know it’s easier said than done but there is no place in a relationship for text fighting. If someone blames you or calls you names over text messages maybe don’t think twice like I did and string it out. This is a real sign of immaturity and a sign that when the going gets tough they won’t have your back. My way or the highway is not a functional relationship policy. I’m still grieving the demise of my relationship but it’s easier because he texted crazy mean things in the end. At this point the texts were impersonal and mostly untrue. If I had been wrong about the parenting issue and our relationship they would’ve been actual stabs at me. I see these aftermath texts as a sign of remorse and missing me. There’s a part of him I’ll always love but another part that’s unsustainable and scary. I wasted love on him. In retrospect I see red flags I should’ve taken more seriously. It’s hard though when the person has positive attributes that you don’t want to let go of.

The moral of the story: don’t text while driving your car. Don’t text about serious issues until you know you are with someone stable and sane. I believe it takes a year to know someone, so be smart and give the relationship a year before you pull out your smart phone.

We Really Have it All

I take comfort in babysitting the sick. Having fibromyalgia I’m constantly reminded that people with normal energy can’t understand my lack of ability. For a moment the healthy person is understanding. I know that in a week they will have forgotten their dizzy spell of empathy and be back to un-understanding sympathy.  I also am not lost for empathy myself. I would truly rather be pushing myself and hurting than seeing a loved one sick. When my loved one is sick I can actually keep up with them. They get a taste of my life that’s full of pain and frustration. I however get good at the little things. There are many skills you can develop when you are lacking energy. Ways to entertain yourself, looking for patters, maybe doing research. 

 

I don’t wish fibromyalgia on anyone. I hope mine gets cured. 

Storage VS Mental Clarity

What do you do once you have cleared your clutter? There is always more to do, right? At what point do we call it good enough? Maybe collecting glass frogs is okay, but is it still okay when it takes up half a room? What do we do when we have cleaned everything, but we need to take it to the next level of cleanliness? We have cleaned the extra clothing out of our closet, but are left with the dust around the corners.

I have a lot of clothing. There is a big charity yard sale coming up and it seemed like a good opportunity to downsize my emotional attachment to fabric. I went though my clothing three times, even the back-up old sentimental clothing. I looked around and realized I still had too much clothing. There were memories holding me to fabric -the most difficult being a ratty old shirt owned by a friend who passed away. But what good is this stuff doing for me in a box? Some day I’m going to pull it out of the box and think ‘oh this’ and then put it back into the box for safekeeping. So many people these days have storage units. I just don’t believe in them. We start to forget what is actually in storage and it becomes a waste of space and mental energy.

So I asked my mom to help me throw away some of the old clothing. Some was my father’s. I so didn’t want to let go, but actually felt strong relief once it was gone. She pointed out that I was saving loved clothing that does not fit me anymore. I don’t believe in saving clothing “because it will fit again someday”. It might be true, but it’s again a huge mental drain. And, truth be told, styles have changed.

Ask a friend to help. Hire me to come be your wingman. But let go of the mental stress that comes along with this stuff. Maybe once you do, the dust in the corners will disappear, or will be more noticeable to your cleaning lady (I’m a big fan of the cleaning lady). And move on. We live in the past and we live in the future. Why is it so hard to live in the present? A clean home helps us have a clean mind, focusing on positive stuff that is relevant to this week.

Our brain makes neuronal connections that can be good or bad. For every bad thought we need a good one if we are to strengthen our state of mind. So try this: every day come up with three positive things that happened that day. See if six months down the line it helps how you feel. And take your vitamins.

We Already Have it All!

Dolphins tackle their clutter head on. The smart creatures make their own toys. Using bubbles they make rings into playful toys. Then the bubble rings disappear into nothing and they have the beautiful space of clear water.

I have seen a baby entertain herself for hours using a vitamin bottle as a rattle. These days we buy babies mountains of toys; we also buy endless plastic containers to help us organize our clutter. I tell my clients to pack the stuff they are unsure of keeping into a box. Hide it away for six months. If they still miss the stuff in the box, they can keep it. If they have forgotten what’s inside it, then it goes away.

I own about fifty dog toys and too many plastic boxes. So I’m not saying that it’s really bad to do these things. But it is good to think about what we have before we get more stuff. I find that people looking for storage answers often already have them in their home. Buying new stuff will only lead to furniture in the yard with a ‘free’ sign on it. It pains me when people say, “I just need a bigger house”. The truth is, no matter what, you can make it work. You can have a beautiful house with clean energy. You just have to start looking at your stuff in a different way.

The key is to train our mind to see clutter and identify it. This is not something that happens overnight, which is why I work with people. Over time we start to see that some of the things we hold on to are not useful and even bring us down. Something might have sentimental value, but if you associate it with something negative (like a fight with a relative) it’s probably time to find it a new home.

Things that once had great value may now be dolphin bubbles. We have to let them go. Bask in the element of water and peace of mind. It’s easier said than done, but a clutter free life is liberating.

Shopping is a Killer Hobby

I need to get out of the house so I go to the mall. The only thing to do at the mall is spend money. It’s the same thing everywhere. But what would happen if we saved this money – didn’t get the Jamba Juice, and the dress that was on sale? The word ‘sale’ is trouble. I’ve always been troubled by it. If it’s on ‘sale’ then it must be a good deal. Half the time it’s still marked up way too high, but with the bright red sale sign staring at me, I am sold.

This is relevant because buying stuff is what creates clutter. We don’t think about what we have, what is good in our life. We think about what we need and what will make life better. We enjoy taking things out of their wrappers, but then have the disappointment of what to do next. Sometimes we even go and buy more. It’s our culture.

This is where we have to think a lot. Think about what we have. Think about what in life really makes us happy. When we buy a lot of stuff we are happy leaving the store but we can also be followed by guilt. And what happens when we need gas in the car or want to take a friend out to lunch? These are important, but require extra money. When we consider all of our money extra, we spend it, and then we don’t have money for the important things. That’s what brings us into debt. As they say, a penny saved is a penny earned. This could not be truer. The best way to have money is to not spend it. However, if you are anything like me you are good at justifying every purchase.

This is a painful subject. It comes down to what happens when you find a great deal on something… but it’s something you already have. What do you do? The average person would buy it just because it’s a great deal. Maybe they can give it to a friend or re-sell it. But the chances are we end up keeping it. It becomes clutter.

It’s one thing to learn how to let go. However if we can learn to not gather stuff we are set for life. Buying stuff is built into many peoples systems. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it’s something to think about. When you go to the store, fill your cart with whatever you want. But when it’s time to go to the check stand, challenge yourself to see how much of it can go back on the shelf.